


Losing His Mind

by sirknightmordred



Series: Alec Has A Painful Past [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 14:17:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9445097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirknightmordred/pseuds/sirknightmordred
Summary: He can't think. He can't breathe. He can't move.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing is explicitly stated about abuse, but it is heavily implied. Also, not edited at the moment. Apologies.

 He was frozen. He couldn’t move. He was trapped in his own body as the song played on and on. Simon is smiling at him, clearly mistaking his silence for acceptance of the song that he is now playing. Simon volunteered to help some of the younger and inexperienced shadowhunter’s train. He being a vampire gave them an edge in helping. So naturally he had to bring his own training music. But the first song he plays pierces something deep inside Alec and he suddenly can’t move as the song plays. Everything is frozen and he is numb as the memories resurface.

 It can’t be. No. This isn’t happening, but it is, and Alec is completely at its mercy as the song comes to a close. And then he’s running. He throws some half assed excuse over his shoulder to the others as he runs to his room in the institute. His heart is going a hundred miles a minute as he locks his bedroom door and starts going through his draws. He pulls out clothes almost randomly and haphazardly. Long sweatpants, tight socks, long sleeve shirt, a sweater that fits snugly, and some boxers. Then he’s in his bathroom and he’s turning the shower on. Full blast as he locks the door behind him. It’s still not loud enough so he turns the bathroom fan on. And before he knows it he’s on the floor.

 He’s spasming and thrashing around as he relives the horror in his mind, from his past. He’s gasping, trying to catch a breath that never comes as his limbs hit the surrounding bathroom walls. Then the sink and shower door as he loses control of himself. Panic and fear swirl up in him. He’s helpless at its mercy. The memories swirl around not making sense, there’s no understanding there. It’s just happening. He’s so lost and scared and alone. Not again. Not again. Not again. Not again. Not again. Not again. Not again. Not again. Not again. Not again. Not again. Not again. Not again.

 He can’t think. He can’t react. He only does without thinking. His nails find their way into the skin of his forearms. He holds on, piercing his skin, drawing blood. But it stops. The blind panic subsides like a freight train. And he’s not okay but he can breathe again. He can think, even if it is still a little hazy. Before he even realizes it his phone’s dialing, Magnus’s name on the screen. Alec goes to end the call, no one needs to see him like this, and no one needs to hear him, to be afraid like he is, but he’s too late. Magnus has already picked up.

“Alexander, what did I do to deserve the pleasure of your call?” His voice comes through the phone, perfect and kept.

 It’s so hard. So hard to speak, but he does, eventually. Wait, maybe Magnus has been calling his name? He could have blacked out. It’s happened before. “Magnus.” Alec’s voice is scratchy and wrecked.

“Darling, what’s wrong?” He’s worried. “Talk to me, please, what’s going on.”

 It’s too much. He can’t speak. He- He can’t.

“Sorry.” He hangs up the phone.

 The next thing Alec is aware of is someone banging on the bathroom door. He’s in the shower, and he’s shivering. He’s naked. He’s exposed. The water is burning his skin. But he can’t move. He still can’t think. He must have blacked out again. He must have. Then the door is banged open and Alec flinches. He curls up into a ball as the shower curtain is moved. Izzy’s face is in front of his own.

“Alec?” She asks softly.

 He doesn’t speak.

“Okay hermano. It’s okay. Magnus called me. I’m going to help you out of here, okay? And then I’m going to help you get dressed. Is that alright with you?” She asks carefully.

 He’s hardly aware of himself nodding, much less Izzy turning off the water and wrapping a towel around him. He loses time again and suddenly he’s dressed. He’s sitting in his bed, a blanket wrapped around him. Someone is trying to talk to him.

“…Okay?”

 Alec looks up, it’s Magnus. He feels relief and a sudden urge to be held. Tears pool in his eyes at the thought. Magnus’s own grow sadder.

“it’s okay, Alexander. I can go.” He says immediately as he starts to stand.

“No.” His voice is hoarse and gruff but Magnus sits back down instantly.

“What do you need, brother?” It’s Jace. When did he get here?

“Magnus.” He says it as he continues to look at him.

“Okay, big brother.” It’s Izzy’s voice.

 There’s footsteps as she and Jace leave. Then they are alone.

“Alec…”

“Please.” Alec cuts off. “Will you just hold me?”

 Magnus kicks off his shoes and sits closer to Alec. He pulls him into his arms. Alec feels soft and warm. It’s all he can focus on. His brain is still all out of sorts. Nothing makes sense. He still feels so lost. But Magnus is holding him. Warm and gentle. And somehow it blocks the memories from consuming him.

“Love you.” He whispers it so incoherently as he drifts to sleep that he doesn’t even register himself saying it.  

 Magnus smiles tearfully.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always welcome.


End file.
